My stupid belt shrunk again today.
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[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny