My stupid belt shrunk again today.
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My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
shazam but for random noises outside
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.