My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
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Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Probably my best painting.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.