My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
You Might Also Like
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Best mom ever 😂
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
tfw you’re yelling at the tv and the contestant finally comes up with the same answer as you’ve been yelling, and it’s wrong.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times