My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
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Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
my nickname in college
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof