My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
You Might Also Like
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat