Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.

Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling

batman: dude, you can fly…

superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder

batman: what

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China