My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
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I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.