My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
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I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
three things we don’t talk about
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.