My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
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you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.