My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
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don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
lmao😭🤣
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying