My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
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Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”