My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
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Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
There is wisdom there.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
May have had one breakfast too many
Just got to our Airbnb!
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep