Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.

Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️

*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

My beach vacation Google searches

I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it

~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

Laundry to do list;

□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks

@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one