My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
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Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free