Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

Stick it to the man

YOLO!

Jesus: Hold my wine!

My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.

BOSS: you’re late

ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks

I just stopped by to water my horse.

I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.