My summer body has been pending for about ten years
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All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Going to church you guys need anything
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Bread puns are on the rise!
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*