My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
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Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
[on my way back to the posting caves]
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”