My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
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Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?