My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
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time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
When I die, don鈥檛 burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I鈥檇 be the person who had the garage sale.
How Vaccines Work 馃Й馃К馃馃拤 (everyone needs to watch this)
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she鈥檒l be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I鈥檓 gonna enjoy pretending I鈥檓 on the fence until then.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won鈥檛 answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I鈥檓 not sure if there鈥檚 a Hotdog Bell at all.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We鈥檙e facing the same way. Why don鈥檛 you say our left?
Me: I don鈥檛 like to share.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When鈥檚 dinner?
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
every single time