Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.

So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.

demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato

The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight

I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.

Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.

Him: I love nerd girls!

Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.

Him: no. not like that

I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”