Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

( 12pm. )

Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?

Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.

( 12am )

Me:

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario

someone: *obvious flirt*

me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice

also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable

Battle of the bird feeder

Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678

Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go