My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
You Might Also Like
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
LA today:
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
