My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
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“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona