Is there such a thing as spontaneous feline combustion? Anyway, baking soda and vinegar are terrible for cats.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
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It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*