My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

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Is there such a thing as spontaneous feline combustion? Anyway, baking soda and vinegar are terrible for cats.


It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”


Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?


Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay


I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.


Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…


Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter


M: Nah he can’t read


*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*