Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check

Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!

Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!

If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus

“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

* gets mugged *

“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards

Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.

. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

The regular crowd

👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /

Shuffles in

can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*