My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
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[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Match dot com, but for socks.
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload