My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
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one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog