My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
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I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
be nice to me or i will put you in the soup
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
🤣
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next