My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
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COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
@funTweeters
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?