Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

[Watching Netflix]

ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.

HIM: What??

ME: What?

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022

Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back

Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.

I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*

My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times

My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds

A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”

There is still no bar

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

(On a date)

Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.

Me: haha yeah that was a good call…

*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.