My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
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I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
His flabber was gasted 😂
Gas station lines at 2 am:
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org