My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
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If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”