Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!

[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots

Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!

*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*

Me: Nailed it.

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis

My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.

Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.

😁

Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.

extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.

I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”

This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.

This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying