My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
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Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
#dnd #ttrpg
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
want me to check your oil?
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
“I FIXED IT!”
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
My life in a nutshell
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???