My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
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*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Hoping to spice up my evening
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”