Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely

5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?

Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.

If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

doctor: do you drink alcohol?

me: yeah a couple times a week

doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.

“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”

my roommate is freaked out.

New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn

Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:

HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

Me: I’m exhausted

Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today

wife: is that ellen?

daughter: no, it’s dory

me: ellen is the actress that plays dory

daughter: is she a fish?

me: no, she’s a human

daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish