my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
You Might Also Like
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
sistine chapel
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
sigh
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.