My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
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Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.