My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
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just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS