My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
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I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
I don’t know what to do
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Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
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Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
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Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted