My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
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Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.