Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me

Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality

aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.

I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

Thus I have to move it to get a beer.

Because exercise is important too.

Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.

When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.

“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.