Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

[Invention of the airplane]

Wilbur: We’re ready

Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working

Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?

Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

definitely did not do anything wrong

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.

I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!

Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

Spa day..😅

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.

“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.

“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.

snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?

Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”