My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say “hi.”
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
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You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
“please do not expand the list by killing people.”
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
If ur phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, rice will attract Asians who will fix ur electronics for you
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.