@TheBoydP

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

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@iinkedZombie

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say “hi.”

@timdonakowski

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

@stevevsninjas

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

@AngelaEhh

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

@darinlovesbacon

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

@mlinhart

LIFE HACK:
If ur phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, rice will attract Asians who will fix ur electronics for you

@Twits_Giggles

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.