My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
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Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
They’re on their honeymoon
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Meow
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Storm Tropical Storm
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Every work meeting this week
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater