Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

friend: how long have you had that bourbon?

me: 20 years.

friend: why don’t you just drink it?

me: drinking age is 21 dude.

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years

Me *makes note in diary* will do

I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.

The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’

Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.

Maybe she’s losing it.

Maybe it’s quarantine.

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out

Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.

Him: Don’t make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.

Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will

WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you

If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping