Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

‘Was that really necessary?’

~slapped newborns

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?

I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

Me: Where’s Ken?

3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.

I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly