Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask

me: no you can have them

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

Miscakes

Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*

Also me: *I gotta pee*

*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this

*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018

I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”

*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*

I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.

“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.

Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.

You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?

*slowly scrapes mine off*

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.