My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
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Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Girl, same.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.