Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.

Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?

Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

*offers Batman cough drops*

HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

“Waitress!”

Waitress: “Sir?”

“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

CSI: North Pole

Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.

Chief: Did you find hoof prints?

Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

KID: Where’s grandma?

DAD: She’s in a better place now

KID: Canada?

This one’s “Alex”.

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past

Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco

Twitter fine art