Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok

My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”

Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.

Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?

Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.

Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.

Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified

this is the greatest thing ever

My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment

I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan

I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.