My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
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Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie