Me: *reclines* Nice
Wife: I still can’t believe you bought a used gynecological exam table
Me: I can see the tv perfectly between my legs
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
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If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
I wanna be the reason you get out of bed in the morning, even if it is to make sure the door is locked.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
My boss called in sick of me
*walks in stumbling*
Jesus, Paul how much have you had?!?
“Just a couple shots”
Oh that’s not bad then
*flashback to Paul injecting heroin*
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.