@Steelers1972

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

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@Mr_Kapowski

Me: *reclines* Nice

Wife: I still can’t believe you bought a used gynecological exam table

Me: I can see the tv perfectly between my legs

@pharmasean

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

@Parentpains

I wanna be the reason you get out of bed in the morning, even if it is to make sure the door is locked.

@StillOnTheMoors

Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.

@SatansTongue

*walks in stumbling*
Jesus, Paul how much have you had?!?
“Just a couple shots”
Oh that’s not bad then
*flashback to Paul injecting heroin*

@dvel86

A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.

@stockejock

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

@Nikkeya08

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.