My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
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Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Cheer up.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I just ran a .003048K
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments