Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?

Me: Yes please.

Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?

Me: What?

Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.

Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent

100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’

My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.

I think I’m on to something here…

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.

What happened to the other hiker??!