Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.

Me: What about sharks?

Society: We’ll give them a whole week.

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.

I forgot how to panic. Help

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?

Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!

Guinness: …
(tilts her head)

Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩

Coworker: …

Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?

Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?

It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.

Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.

[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]

Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”

Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”

Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”

I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.

we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

work smarter, not harder

If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…

OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”