My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
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what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
This is a bad sign
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon