My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
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Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
moms in horror movies
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.