@shamans_heal

My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.

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@pinapl

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

@HiddenPinky

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

@jctwritesstuff

Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.

Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.

@JediGigi

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

@RunOldMan

Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.

@JermHimselfish

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

@fro_vo

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

@ClichedOut

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

@AmishPornStar1

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.