My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
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I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed