When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
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“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
How to make infinite energy.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.