Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
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The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese