My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
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Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
[help desk at the mall]
Her: can I help you?
Me: I want this desk to help me
Her: it doesn’t work that way
Me: it doesn’t look busy
Her: it’s a desk, sir
Me: a help desk
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
The news: Let’s ask a random idiot on the street what they think.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”