My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
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[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?