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You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
#oldknees
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.