My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
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Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be