My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
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[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.