My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
You Might Also Like
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY