Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’

why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]

When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao

Me: what stopped you