My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
You Might Also Like
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.