My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
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My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Bootstraps
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
*watches the world burn*
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Mornin
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife: