My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
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Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E