My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
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-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?