Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’

~dogs in therapy

I’m not alone. I have ants.

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.

A dog needs to be the next president.

“A dog can’t-”

When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?

“I’ll start the paperwork.”

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat

Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK

If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

Cop: I’m going in, cover me!

Me:*speed knits blanket*

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.

My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.

OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid