Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you

Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

Me: 👌

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

6: you’ll always be my mom right?

me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!

6: what if you’re dead

me: wtf

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”

Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.

They’re millennial falcons.

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]

I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently